Nobody can make you feel anything.
I will never forget the first time I hoped to believe that I am in charge of myself and no one else can change who I am or how I feel. It was about eight years ago, sitting in a therapist's office, tears streaming down my face. I'm not a crier. I just found myself in a place of such hopelessness that I didn't know what else to do but cry.
I have spent a disgusting number of days, weeks, months, even (sadly) years worried not only about how I make people feel, but also actually feeling the way I believed others imposed upon me. I woke up sad and anxious every day for the better part of a decade because I didn't live for me; and, I didn't think I ever would. I kept a silent list of greivances commited against me in my heart and I didn't realize until this therapy session that it was ruining my life. "He stole my soul" I said about a man. "She makes me feel worthless" I said about a former friend. "They make me feel stupid," I said about adults who I now realize, in retrospect, are incredibly stupid. My therapist looked at me while I sobbed hopelessly on her couch, and calmly told me that no one can make me feel anything. She repeated it until I heard it. Really heard it.
It changed my entire world when I began to believe that statement.
I knew somewhere inside that I was valuable and smart, but I could only see myself through others' eyes back then. When we feel really and truly low, we often grasp the wrong words and trust the wrong opinions. We doubt everything we think and start to believe what others think of us. What we need to believe at our lowest is that we are strong and that we will find a way. I am incredibly strong. I always was. But it wasn't until I believed that I was in charge of my life and my happiness that I started to use my strength to restructure my world.
I have repeated this wisdom to more clients and friends than I can count. Once we stop blaming others for hurting us, for making us feel low, for not seeing the best parts of us, we start to see ourselves without an ugly filter of supposed feedback from the world. Don't waste a moment of your life feeling guilty or sad or worthless because that's what you see in someone else's eyes. What do you see when you look at you? You are in charge of that view. And you are in charge of not only how you treat you, but how you allow others to treat you.
To be honest, I thought I'd have less friends when I started to take control of my life and happiness. I believed those words out of desperation and sought to take control of my life but I thought that less concern for others' opinions of me would make me cold, removed, and unattractive. I've found the opposite. I have much warmer and deeper connections to others once I remove the idea that their view of me can change how I feel. I like me. I am responsible for thinking I am special, for having a great day, for finding happy career, for living a fulfilling life full of love. People want to be around someone who loves herself because it leaves more room for her to truly love others.
No one makes me feel anything. I see myself through only my eyes these days. Through my eyes, I love myself and I treat myself accordingly. In turn, I am constantly making my own world into a really, truly, beautiful place.