"Figure it out, but just keep moving," - Sia, Flames
About a week after losing my sister I heard the song Flames on a run along the Schuylkill, by the time Sia got to the first chorus I had black mascara-ridden tears streaming from my eyes down my cheeks, mixing with sweat and dripping onto my, now ruined, white Lulu tank. I ran off to the side of the trail, by the water, and sat on a grafittied rock listening to words my sister would have told me had she been running next to me:
"One foot in front of the other, babe
One breath leads to another
Just keep moving.
Look within for the strength today
Listen out for the voice to say
Just keep moving."
I could go on for days about Meredith's unique ability to see a path where one didn't exist. She lived by an unspoken credence to just keep pushing forward. I think the best way to honor my sister is to share with other people, people who may be hurting from different types of pain than mine, what drives me to keep moving forward.
Life can be very hard. But it's all perspective. Someone else always has it easier than you do, but someone else is always struggling harder than you are. We have to be driven by a responsibility to our own selves, no one else. The reason you should feed your body good food, laugh with friends, talk deeply and often with loved ones, and sweat in a way that feels challenging and invigorating, is because you owe it to you. Yes, life is painful at times. But don't let it ruin you.
I want to crawl in a hole. I still cringe each time my phone buzzes. I give myself pep talks before each client. I almost skipped one of my beloved crossfit classes yesterday because I couldn't stop crying on my walk to the gym. But that hole is limitless. I could get lost in it. I am too afraid to visit it even for a moment.
So instead, I make myself smile at strangers. I walk dogs at the shelter when I have a free moment. I call my mom, brother, and my brother's girlfriend (little sis) every single time I think of them. I reach out, I work out. I drink vegan protein shakes instead of eating chocolate bars. I have a martini when I want it...but just one. And I cry a lot. I cry when I wake up, I cry while I walk to my clients, and I cry every night before bed. I am embracing my sadness because it's appropriate. But I'm not letting myself into that hole.
If you are hurting, if you are down, reach out. People want to lift you up and help you - I want to lift you up and help you, message me if you feel alone! - but you have to let them. Whatever your journey is, whatever your struggle is right now, just keep moving. One foot in front of the other.